And then I wondered if I should have written in the heat of all my emotional turmoil, but I don't know if I'd ever want to go back and read that.
I know I discussed about a month ago that my dog Missy had fallen ill, and that she had spent some time in the hospital. She came home with medication and the prospect that she'd recover. I re-arranged my life to be able to feed her morning and night so that she could be medicated. I kept a close watch on her and if I left the house, she stayed inside in her crate so she was resting.
Unfortunately last weekend she fell ill again, even while on medication, and we had to make the heart wrenching decision to put her down.
I can say with certainty that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. When you bring a dog home, you don't ever think about the hard decisions you'll have to make if something happens to them. We brought her home when she was 10 months old. She barely made it to see her 6th birthday before passing. It's not like she was old.
The poor vet had to speak through my weeping, although I appreciate how considerate she was.
I feel guilty that I couldn't/wouldn't go see her one last time before they put her down. But given my emotional state that morning, I think it may have been best. She knew we loved her.
Part of me is angry we spent so much money only to prolong her life by 3 weeks, but then when I think about it, if I were given the same choices again I'd probably do it again. I would have felt guiltier if we hadn't even tried.
As the week has gone on, I've felt better and better. I'm not a pray-er, but I spent a lot of this past weekend praying for peace, for both her and I. I woke up the next morning after the first night of desperately praying feeling immensely better.
This morning I checked my mailbox and saw we had received two condolence cards from both vet. places we worked with during the midst of all of this. The doctor who ended up putting Missy down, wrote me a very nice note letting me know she was very sorry and she assured me we had done everything we could have for her.
I sat in my car and cried while reading it. I think maybe I needed to hear it from an outside source, because even though in my heart I know we tried everything we could, part of me wishes we could have done more.
A few people have mentioned us getting another dog, but my heart just isn't in it right now. We have our other dog, Wyatt, and I think he's just going to be an only dog for a while.
We both need time to heal.